As we are winding down the end of the 2022 solar year and preparing to enter a new solar year ion March 20, there is a definite feeling of endings in the air. Are you feeling it? This equinox is particularly important because it is followed by a very rare Alpha Omega Portal in Aries that has only happened 3 times in the last 1000 years.
If you are chomping at the bit for some fresh energy, a fresh start, and new beginnings that are really new, you’re in luck because we are having a clear out right now as we get ready for a spectacular new year.
This week is the final week of our 2022 solar year and it is also a time when many people do a spring clean in time for the first day of spring March 20. We can do an energetic spring clean too, as our energetic focus and fulfillment are pointing us in different directions now. The old ways of self sacrifice and doing for others is being replaced by self awareness, self service, and joy. This is going to have a big impact on how we interact with others, especially the people we try to help and who take advantage of our good intentions. If you’re feathers are ruffled by the people who are not treating you respectfully, it is time for a showdown and a reconsideration of who you are allowing into your life and what you do for others. It’s a good thing though, as we take our stand at the this is not OK corral.
Everyone seems to be getting lessons in dealing with people who seem to not only disregard their needs but who do the exact opposite. What do you do with someone who appears to deliberately oppose your wishes, stand in your way and block your efforts?
Their behavior is not OK and they force you into a corner. Do you come out fighting or walk away? And how do you decide what is not OK and what to do after that? Any time we are faced with a situation where someone is not giving us what we want the answer to all of our questions lies within us. That person has so much wonderful, enlightening information for us that we can understand once we move away from the ‘this is not OK’ position.
Sure, their behavior may be wrong but why did we choose that experience with them and what do we have to learn from it? I have found, in many years of giving spiritual mentoring and counseling, that our lessons in power are always presented in ways that make us feel powerless. What we do in that moment determines whether our next step is reconnecting to our power or holding our ground and demanding that the other person do what we want them to do.
While we would like to have a more moderate outcome, where we get out needs met and the other person sees the value in that, it isn’t always possible. And the longer we stay in that situation the more challenging it is for us.
Our showdown then becomes a standoff, then we are standing still, further entrenched in our demands and blind to any other outcome. While we may think that the other person is just being stubborn, they are giving us valuable information and the first question we can ask is why we are making that particular demand of them.
And there is part of our answer because we generally choose the person who will not or cannot give us what we want (remember the lessons in power). Here’s an example:
A client had been abandoned by her mother at an early age and raised by her kind and loving father. But all of her life she wanted to reconnect with her mother and give her an opportunity to be the mother she wanted her to be (and thought she could be). She thought that if she opened her heart, her mother would apologize for a leaving her and give her the love she wanted.
So she pursued her mother, who continued to disappoint her. No matter what she did, she never got what she wanted from her. And the mother took advantage of her daughter’s kindness and generosity and used them to manipulate her. When the mother was dying she turned to her daughter for comfort and support, which she willingly gave, becoming her full time caregiver for two years, thinking that this would be their time to reconnect. But that didn’t happen and the mother died.
The daughter still grieves her mother and her inability to reconnect with her. She doesn’t see anything wrong with how she was taken advantage of by her mother and moreover, regrets that she couldn’t do more for her. But the really destructive part of this is that even though she was raised by a loving father, has a loving family and a happy home life, she spends time every day feeling that she did not have enough time with her mother because if she did, she could have changed her and gotten the love she wanted.
When we got to the core of this issue, which was for her to learn to value herself, she had to acknowledge that she was asking something of her mother that she would never receive from her. Her mother did not have the ability to give her what she wanted and was never going to do that, even though her behavior was not OK.
My client’s lesson in power was to acknowledge that her mother chose her actions in spite of her daughter, not because of her, and that nothing she did was ever going to change that. What was her lesson in this? But by grieving this situation she was ignoring the wonderful things that she had in her life, which included everything she had always wanted, a loving husband, beautiful children, a nice home, many friends, and the support of her community.
Were they less valuable to her because they didn’t come from her mother? Was she so firmly grounded in her standoff position that just because her mother did not give her what she wanted, she could not see any of her life blessings as valuable? And when I asked her ‘does it really matter where it comes from’ she realized that she had discounted all of the good in her life because it wasn’t from her mother.
Why do people not respect our time and energy and do what we think is the 'right thing'? Partly because what we think is the 'right thing' is not right for them. Or maybe the situation benefits them and they want it to continue. Maybe they are taking advantage of us but that is what they do.
I have shared the story of my neighbor who asked me for a ride one day when her car wasn't working and that turned into several months of me taking her to work and picking her up every day. I thought she was going to stop but getting a ride with me was a perfect solution for her and she thought it was OK for me to be her unpaid chauffeur. My children didn't like it because she always sat in the front seat which meant they didn't get their turn. Eventually, I had to tell her that she was going to have to find another solution.
I wasn't comfortable telling her but it was obvious that she wasn't getting the hint that she needed to drive herself to work. Listen to the podcast for additional details.
When someone’s behavior is not OK, and it often is not, we do one of two things: Have a showdown where we demand they meet our needs and give them many opportunities to do that or
We have a standoff and become a victim, making ourselves miserable so they can see how much we need their love or sabotaging ourselves because they won’t meet our needs.
Then we have several options:
To accept them as they are and decide whether we want them in our life or disconnect from them
To become a victim in this story and martyr ourselves so they will give us what we want
To refuse to accept their behavior and sabotage ourselves because we feel so powerless
To understand the lesson in power and learn from it so we can be free of it. Without understanding the lesson, our showdown becomes a standoff and then we are standing still.
Eventually we will learn that we cannot force anyone into giving us what we want because if they are not already giving it to us, they do not have it to give in this moment. Everyone gives from what they have and they usually give all they have to give. There is no hidden reservoir that they can draw from, what they are giving you is the limit to what they have for you. And sometimes (often) this is a karmic cycle that you have with them and within the specific energetic vibrations of your relationship, they may treat you differently than others. They may not be nice to you but be sugary sweet to everyone else.
And there is one more aspect to this which also causes us significant distress and it's the co-mingling of judgments, reasons, and motivations into a single issue when there are usually two or even three issues involved. The first issue is someone's behavior. The second issue is our interpretation of their behavior based on our opinions and judgments. And the third issue is our anger and disappointment based on our expectations.
If we are to resolve our issues regarding these showdown and standoff situations in a way that allows us to have completion and closure and to avoid feeling victimized and powerless, we need to consider each of 3 issues separately and deal with them individually.
Regarding the first issue, we have no control over what someone else thinks, says, or does. None. We have to accept their behavior and their conscious and intentional choice and then decide whether we want that kind of behavior in our reality.
The second issue is how we interpret and judge their behavior. Have you ever said 'well, I would never act that way or do that in that kind of situation.' That's my point. We judge others behavior based on what we would do in that situation when we need to realize that the person is acting in their own self interest and they do not know or care what we would do. They are not trying to emulate our behavior, they are doing what is right and best for them.
The third issue is our expectations which lead to anger and disappointment. As with the example of my client, she thought if she showed her mother how much she loved her and wanted a relationship with her, being a nice and as accommodating as possible, her mother would respond in kind.
With my neighbor who thought it was OK for me to be her unpaid chauffeur to work every day, my expectation that she would realize she was taking advantage of me and imposing on me and my family was not happening. While I would have realized that, from my neighbor's perspective riding to work and back with me solved the problem of having to share her car with her children. She got a ride and that made the car available for her children. She wasn't going to stop and the situation would have continued if I had not put a stop to it.
You can feel victimized or mistreated or you can ask what you need to learn from them and their actions so you can engage in more fulfilling, self affirming relationships. Whose behavior is not OK with you and are you going to choose between a showdown, standoff or learn acceptance so you can walk away? And remember acceptance is not tolerating bac behavior. It is understanding that someone's actions are their choice and your choice is whether you are going to allow that in your life.
These are your choices in these difficult situations and they are such a powerful learning tool for you. As you look at that person, remember they are giving you all they have to give to you and then choose what you will do to give yourself the gifts of love, fulfillment, joy, peace and abundance. Because if you aren't enjoying the dance, it's time to change the music to something you do enjoy and can dance to with grace, ease, and joy.
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